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bromont:the_bropire_strikes_back


Katawa Shoujo: The Bropire Strikes Back

LAST TIME ON KATAWA SHOUJO Z
“Hisao, what do we have here?”, Emi asks while pulling the police tape over her head.

“Hey Emi, it appears a neighborhood blind girl was bludgeoned to death from behind with a Risk board game set”

“Well then, I guess she…” *puts on sunglasses* “Never saw it coming”

“YEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHH”
“IT'S OVER KENJI, I HAVE THE HIGH GROUND!”, you say atop the hardened ash.

“YOU UNDERESTIMATE MY POWER…”, Kenji say as he stands above the lava.

“Don't try it”

“I WON'T, FROM MY POINT OF VIEW, I HAVE THE HIGH GROUND!”

”…W-what?”

“I don't like lava. It's coarse and irritating and it gets everywhere. Everything here is soft and smoldering.”

”…”

“I FIND YOU LACK OF FAITH DISTURBING”

“THAT'S NOT EVEN THE RIGHT SAGA”

“PSYCHO CRUSHER!”

You slash Kenji in two

“AHHHHH…. I HAAAAATE YOOOOOUU”

“YOU WERE THE CHOSEN ONE KENJI, YOU WERE SUPPOSE TO ABOLISH THE FEMALE HIVEMIND, NOT JOIN THEM, BRING BALANCE TO THE MALE LABEDO, NOT LEAVE IT IN DARKNESS!”
“PUT THE GUN DOWN HANAKO”

“A-ALRIGHT!”

“PUT THE GUN. DOWN.”

“B-BUT THE GUN IS DOWN”

“PUT IT DOWN FURTHER”

“I CAN'T PHYSICALLY PUT IT ANY FURTHER DOWN”

“THIS IS YOUR LAST WARNING”

“AH!”

“Hisao”

“Rin”

“Who's that with you?”

“This? This is my black girlfriend Shaniqua”

“CHU AIN'T MY BABY'S DADDY, CHABOOGER, MMM MMM”

“Haha, Chabooger. I'm gonna start saying that”

“Is she made out of chocolate?”

“Yes, in fact, that's why I'm here in the kitchen, to pick up some peanut butter”
“Rise, Rise, Your fame is well deserved, Spaniard, Wahaha. I don't think there's ever been a gladiator to match you. As for this young burned girl, she insists you are Hector reborn. Or was it Hercules? Why doesn't the hero reveal himself and tell us all your real name? You do have a name.”

“My name is Gladiator.”

”…!”

“How dare you show your back to me! Slave, you will remove your helmet and tell me your name.”

“My name is Hisao Maximus Nakai, Commander of the Armies of the anti-female brigade, General of the Brofist Legions, loyal servant to the true emperor, Kenji Setou. Father to a murdered son, husband to a murdered wife. And I will have my vengeance, in this life or the next.”
“Rin, why did you hijack a car from Denny's?”

“So someone else wouldn't”
“Put it back”

“Come on Hisao, hop on in, what's the worst that can happen?”

“You do have a point, what harm could riding in a stolen car with an armless person behind the wheel cause”

“You're serious?”

“No, I'm sarcastic”

“There's a TV in the back, and it gets House, MD in crystal clear reception”

“Why didn't you tell me earlier, lets burn rubber”

And now, back to your regularly schedule program.


You wake in a familiar setting… Ah, the hospital. You remember that time you dressed up as the Grim Reaper and slowly walked from room to room-

HOLD IT, why are you here? What happened… Oh yeah, you and Rin crashed a vehicle into the womens shower room. You seem to have suffered some minor burns to your body. Sweet, chicks dig scars.

“Oh, you're awake Hisao.”, the doctor says as he walks in on you. Not in that way I assure you.

“Doctor Anus, it's been too long”

“My name's Jeff, asshole”

“Doctor Anus, is Rin OK?”, you ask remembering you shielded her from the car blast, like a boss.

“No, she passed away this morning”

“WHAT!?”

“Just messing with you kid, she's alright and she explained everything to the police”

“What'd she say?”

“Something about being held at gunpoint by a Canadian Terrorist”

“That's so crazy it's believable”

“Well, everyone does hate Canada”


“What day is it?”

“Wednesday, you've been out cold for about a day, that armless girl drew a Hitler mustache on your face ”

“NO! I MISSED THE HOUSE MARATHON! SON OF A BITCH BASTARD”

“There IS a Burn Notice marathon on today, kid”

“Oh yeah, Bruce Cambell is God tier… I can leave, right?”

“You could wait for your parents to arrive”

“Tell them I was devoured by a succubus, they'll believe it”

“You think you can walk all the way there with your heart condition?”

“I masturbate 6 times a day”

“Really?”

“No, but I can make it there if I sing Michael Jackson's Billy Jean on the way”

“Well whatever, your effects are in the bathroom, be sure to ding the bell on your way out if our service was satisfactory”

“Will do, and thanks, Doctor Anus”

You walk out into the sunlight, damn it feels good to be a gangster. What to do…

() Moonwalk your way back to the school

() Restock your supplies at the convenience store

() Walk to the park, you never know what you could find.

() Rob a Liquor Store

() Wander around town, there has to be some demons terrorizing the area or something

() Super Special option that was only unlocked once you played the game twice


The school is not far from here. You should hurry if you want to catch the latest adventures of Michael Westen and Bruce Campbell's character you don't remember the name of.

You begin you trek through the parking lot and immediately feel fatigued, you really need to stop browsing image boards looking for Pokemon threads and start getting out more.

“SHE WAS MORE LIKE A BEAUTY QUEEN FROM A MOVIE SCENE”, you begin your moonwalk.

“I SAID DON'T MIND, WHAT DO YOU MEAN I AM THE ONE! WHO WILL DANCE! ON THE FLOOR! IN THE ROUND! SHE SAID I AM THE ONE, WHO WILL DANCE! ON THE FLOOR! IN THE ROUND!”

You begin walking on the concrete like it was lighting up the moment you stepped on it.

“BILLIE JEAN IS NOT MY LOVER! SHE'S JUST A GIRL WHO CLAIMS THAT I AM THE OOOOONNNNEEE! BUT THE KID IS NOT MY SON”, you stand on your tip toes and grab your crotch.

“WHHHHOOOOOOOO SHAMON-”

“U-Um….”

”…”

”…”

“G-good to see you're w-well, Hisao?”

“Hanako, you should know better than to interrupt a man doing Michael Jackson's dance moves. It's a bad omen.”

“W-WHAT!?”

“Naw, I'm just messing with you. No wait, I'm not”

“N-NO! I DON'T WANNA BE CURSED! WHAT DO I D-DO, HISAO?”

“Do the thriller”

The moment you stopped talking, Hanako starts moving her arms from side to side. That's actually pretty cute… BUT SHE'S DOING IT WRONG AND THAT FILLS YOU WITH RAGE!


“Hold on a second. Hanako, what are you doing in the hospital's parking lot?”

“I c-came to-”

“HAHA”

“W-what?”

“Nothing, continue”

“Check up on you”

“Eh?”

“W-well, you haven't raced me on the multicolored floor in a couple days, I well.. I w-was worried”

“DAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAW, I COULD JUST HUG YOU TO DEATH”, you move in to hug Hanako.

“EEEEEEEP”, she moves so fast away you could swear she was a Ninja… Better not rule out the possibility in the future.

“Should of expected that, well, I'm going back to the School. Care to accompany me, Hanako?”

“OK!”

“First thing's first, do you know how to moon walk?”

“Y-yes”

“Can you do a backflip?”

“I-I guess”

“If we were suddenly attacked by a billion Vampire Zombie Vikings, would you be able to Rider kick their weak spot?”

“What's a Rider kick?”

You breeze the trip to the school with Hanako, stopping every few minutes because you're heart is a smug bastard that demands attention.

What's your next course of action? () Teach Hanako how to Rider Kick

() Go back to your room and watch Burn Notice

() Go find Rin, and discuss reproductive organs

() Wonder what Misha and Shizune are up to…?

() Go brofist your bro, Kenji


“HANAKO! ARE YOU A FRIEND OF JUSTICE?”

“W-wha?”

“IT IS YOUR DUTY TO DEFEAT THE ENEMIES OF MANKIND!”

“Hisao, you're scaring m-me”

“OK, you know what, just follow me”

“Alright”

You walk to the middle of the courtyard.

“See that guy over there who looks like Lelouch littering?”

“I do…?”

“Check this out”

You begin running.

“HEY YOU, PICK UP YOUR GARBAGE OR YOU ARE A ENEMY OF MANKIND!”

“Que?”

“SPEAKING IN TONGUE ARE WE? I THOUGHT AS MUCH”

You gather up all of your energy and jump as high as you can, extending you feet together and pushing them over to your side.

“RIDAH KICK!”

Your feet connects with his face and he falls to the ground, unconscious.

“HISAO! W-WHAT DID YOU DO?”


“Just watch”

The cops come by a few minutes later.

“What happened here?”

“This man is an enemy of justice”

“The hell are you babbling about?”

“He called the police a bunch of lazy drunk pigs”

“Well, we have seen our better days”

“Then he insulted donuts, look, he threw one to the ground over there and spit on it”

“MY MOTHER WAS KILLED BY SPITTING”, the cops extend their pain delivering sticks and begin to beat down on that heretic.

“HISAO! THIS IS WRONG, SO VERY WRONG, I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU-”

“Wait a minute, isn't this Zero? THIS MAN IS A TERRORIST, NOW I'M DOUBLY PISSED”, the copy yells as he increases his beatdown.

“You were saying?”

“I still don't get any of this”

“Did you watch the kick?”

“Well.. yes”

“Then you're fine, say there's a Burn Notice marathon on right now, wanna go watch it?”

“Burn notice?”

“Yeah Burn- OOOOHHHH, it's nothing like that Hanako, I assure you”

“Maybe l-later, I promised I'd go report back to Lilly after I checked up on you”

“So you ARE a Ninja!”

“Did you say something, Hisao?”

“Oh, nothing”

HEAVEN OR HELL

() Go back with Hanako and have some tea with Lilly

() BURN NOTICE, BURN NOTICE, OH BOOOOYYY

() You feel there's something wrong with this place… investigate?

() Go throw condoms full of mayonnaise at passing cars

() Check your emails


“I'll walk with you, I'd kinda like the pleasure of yours and Lilly's company”

“Huh?”, Hanako says as she blushes

“Also there's a television in the Tea room that was just installed, we could watch Burn Notice and the Big Lebowski”

“The Big what?”

“You're out of your element, Hanako”

“I give up”

“I accept your defeat”

The two of you get up the the second floor… and then she seems to have that certain “look” in her eyes and stops.

“Hisao”

“Hanako”

“Ready for round three?”

“Don't you ever get tired of losing?”

“You only won last time because you didn't say “go” after on your mark get set”

“That shouldn't stop you, you're a ninja”

“THIS time, I WILL begin the countdown”, she says as she ignores you

“If you insist”

“ON YOUR MARK… GET SET… G-”


She stops, thinking you were gonna fall for the same trick, silly crispy Ninja, tricks are for kids.

“GO!”, she says as she jumps off with amazing speed.

“RED LIGHT!”, you yell behind her.

“EH?”, she says as she whirls around when she hears you say that, only not so well because of that terrible depth perception problem she's been having.

In fact, she falls flat on her butt. It gives you a good view of her panties, which compliment the pair of pantyhose she has on… white, the color of the heavens… also jizz.

“GREEN LIGHT”, you say as she looks at you perplexed.

You overtake her no problem, and make it to the tea room with time to spare.

“HISAO, THAT'S NOT FAIR”

“You're absolutely right, it's not. Oh well.”

“HMMPH!”

Hanako walks in ahead of you and pulls up a chair, she also pulls out yours. Ladylike.

Lilly has the paper in her hands, it looks like she's reading the funnies… There's something wrong with this picture, but you're too tired to care.

“Hisao? Is that you?”, Lilly asks as she puts down her paper.

“No, I'm Bond, James Bond.”

She smiles, damn near lighting up the entire room. And when she smiles, Hanako smiles. You feel all fuzzy inside.

CHOOSE, WHAT HAVE YOU GOT TO LOSE?

() Turn on the TV, watch thr Big Lebowski with Hanako.

() Sip some tea and talk about Ninjas.

() Listen to what Lilly wants to say

() Jump out the window and brofist Kenji

() You're tired, rest would be good


You position yourself as politely and diligently as you can. Ninja talk is serious business. Hanako pours you some tea and hands it to you.

You only take light sips though, she COULD have poisoned it. Little does she KNOW you're immune to every poison on earth. Not really, but it's reassuring when you say that in your mind.

“Hey Lilly”

“Yes, Hisao?”

“Are you familiar with Ninjas?”

“Ninjas? Can't say that I am…”

“You don't mind if I ask a serious question then, do you?”

“Ofcourse not, you may talk to me about whatever you like”

“Cool, I don't have one but I just wanted to say that”

“You're pretty weird sometimes, Hisao”

“And you're pretty pretty, lets call it even”

Lilly looks down, trying to hide her burning hot face.

“Hanako?”

“Y-yes?”

“Are you a Ninja?”

“I'm not…?”

“I don't believe you.”

“I'm not, Hisao”

“Look me in the eyes and say that”

“But then you'll just do something childish like poke my pupils!”

“Would you rather be called a liar or would you rather endure my brilliant banter and schemes”

“I'd rather be called a liar”

“I knew it, I'll have you know I was Captain of a pirate ship in my previous life, so don't you try anything girl”


“Hisao, d-do you always have to be so mean?”

“Yes”

Hanako makes a pained face

“But… only to the people I like”

Hanako breaks out of it and starts smiling, damn you're good. It's a good thing you're sitting a table too, cause that panty shot is still embedded in you and and your rapidly increasing Hisao Way-oh's mind.

“Um, Hisao?”

“Lilly”

“This is kind of embarrassing, would you do me a huge favor?”

“I am the bone of your sword”

“Huh?”

“Nothing, continue”

“Um.. Could you please check my… things here for lumps?”

“Things?”

“My.. you know.”

“I don't follow you”

“My breasts… Hanako refused to do it.”

“Oh, well I suppose I could if I must-”

ZA WARUDO, time freezes, a beautiful lady just asked you to feel her up. YOUR PANTS ARE SHRINKING..

AT THIS RATE! Wow, you really need to find a better phrase to use then “at this rate”, ah, you got it.

TITS ON A JINGLES, YOU'LL MAKE HANAKO'S VIRGIN EYES BLEED IF SHE SEES YOUR PULSING MANHOOD!

CRAP CRAP CRAP CRAP CRAP CRAP CRAP CRAP CRAP CRAP CRAP CRAP CRAP CRAP CRAP!

() Bite the bullet, and try to hide your erection

() SURPRISE ATTACK, GRAB LILLY'S TITTIES AT FULL FORCE

() Talk Hanako into it.

() THE WINDOW! THE WINDOW!

() It's an obvious Ninja trap!


No time to think, now's the time for ACTION!

“TAKE THIS! MY LOVE! MY ANGER! AND ALL OF MY SORROW! SHINNNNNIIIINNNGGG GRRRROOOOOOOOOPPPPEEEE”

You spring from your seat and grab Lilly's breasts, causing her to let out a small squeal.

“H-Hisao? What are you-”

“Exactly what you asked me, prepare yourself!”

You begin caressing her breasts and feeling every inch of them. She moans slightly when you begin, guess she's sensitive.

Looks like Hanako's knocked out from the sudden booby grab, must've been to HARD for her to stand, but atleast she didn't see your erection…

“Hisao… something's poking my leg”

“You could have breast cancer and you're worried about such trivial things?”

“Y-you're right..,”

You continue feeling Lilly's breasts, they're soft, REALLY soft. They fit so well in your hand… Wait a minute..

“Lilly.. I feel something”

“That's the spot I was talking about, I'm really worried since I wouldn't be able to see anything.”

Makes sense, but the only way for you to check that out further would be… SNOOGINS.

“Lilly, I know this is gonna sound a bit pervish and unpleasant, but I need you to take off your blouse”

“Is that really necessary?”

”'fraid so”

Lilly begins unbuttoning her shirt, taking it off slowly.

“Relax, I'll close the blinds and lock the door”

“Thank you, Hisao”

You lock the door and move over toward the windows, you COULD leave them open.. I mean, how the hell would she know? But then again, you're a bro.

You turn around after closing the blinds and- WHOA!


HOLY SHIT.

AWESOME.

Lilly's bare breasts look like they could be on a poster. They're marvolous pieces of liquid white bliss.

“Could you hurry, Hisao? It's kind of cold in here…”

“You don't need to tell me that”

“Huh?”

“Nothing”

You walk over towards Lilly, mother of god, she's warm. You place your unworthy hands on the breasts of a goddess and begin feeling to your hearts content.

…Where the hell was that lump? There's nothing here, it's shere perfection.

You look over at Lilly's blouse, there's a giant lint ball on her bra.

“You have nothing to worry about Lilly, that lump you were feeling was just a ball of crud”

“Oh thank god”, she breathes heavily, “I'm so glad”

“Yep…”

“Yeah…”

”…”

”……”

“Huh?”

“Would you like to put your hands off my bossom now?”

“Well, not really. No.”

She gives you a cold look, your erection somehow goes away. Blue balls is a bitch.

“Hisao, would you mind exiting the room while I get dressed?”

“If I must”

You walk out the door like a pussy, catching one more peek at Lilly's picture perfect breasts… And Hanako's coming to, Not for loooooooonnnggg.

You hear a ruckus going on in the room behind you. The day is nearly over, you should be able to do one more thing…

() Go back in and try to score.

() Find Kenji, you've got a story for him

() Go back to your room and watch the Power Rangers

() Find a window to jump out of and look for Rin

() Check your phone for today's emails


You go back to the tea room and open the door…

?

They're gone. But where…?

!

ABOVE YOU!

You duck without knowing why, relying on your instincts…

……..

Nothing's happening…? Well shit, you thought ducking or punching or something after warning yourself really loudly might cause some sort of badass fight scene to go on.

Then it'd be revealed that you were a clone, or maybe the past version of an ancient hero partaking in some sort of war for some holy relic and you'd win over the hot babe and kill the bad guy with a power you suddenly uncover for the first time.

You really need to stop eating dog food.

Oh wait, there's Lilly and Hanako down the hallway.

“HISAO! THEY'RE SHOWING A MARATHON OF POWER RANGERS DOWN IN THE BIG LIVING ROOM!”

“HOLY FUCKBALLS, I'M THERE”

The three of you run down the stairs and outside. No I take that back, two of you. Lilly's having a tough time tapping her cane against the wall and floor.

“Hanako, we'll meet you there, alright?”

“I'll s-save you a seat!”, Hanako runs off in a hurry, not realizing you put a “Kick if Hisao's awesome” sign on her back.

“You don't have to wait for me Hisao, I'll do quite all right, besides that, I'm not really gonna be missing much”

“Because you're blind…”

“No, because I own all the Power Rangers shows on DVD”


You walk with Lilly outside, hey… their aren't any people around…

“Hey Lilly, about before… I have to apologize”

“Don't worry about it, Hisao”

“Nope, I still feel bad, as punishment, you may do whatever you want with me”

“Eh?”

“Give you a backrub, foot massage, get your laundry, assassinate a president, you name it.”

“Hisao”

“Y-yes?”

“There's only one thing I want”

OH BOY OH BOY OH BOY OH BOY OH BOY OH BOY OH BOY OH BOY OH BOY OH BOY OH BOY OH BOY OH BOY OH BOY You've bee training your entire life you this, that and the zombie apocalypse.

“I'd like you to sing to me”

SON OF A BITCH

”…What?”

“Sing with me actually”

“That's not your titties”

“W-wha?”

“Oh, I mean sure. What would you like to sing?”

“The Power Rangers theme song”

”…”

”……”

”…OK”

“Oh, thank you thank you thank you”

Must mean alot to Lilly, well, maybe if you sing you'll tame the wild beast in your pants. Makes sense.

“GO GO POWER RANGERS!”

“GOGO POWER RANGERS!”

“GO GO POWER RANGERS!”

”“MIGHTY MORPHIN POWER RANGERS!”” you sing together

The two of you spend the night singing, then watching the Power Rangers with your bros. Damn, that Green Ranger has always been one awesome motherfucker.

The day's end came pretty fast, you said good night to everyone and went back into your room.

…Looks like your parents called… Doctor Anus better have told them about the succubus.

Oh well, you climb into bed, push away your stashes of porn and turn off the light.

Today was a good day.


Ahh…… Serenity…. sometimes it's a good thing- Hold on a tic.

Something's wrong.

Why does your bed feel so small? You don't remember your stash of energy drink cans being THIS heavy.

You look under the covers-

RIN!?

SLEEPING RIN?

SLEEPING RIN WITH MY TIN?

“Rin!”

“Hmmm… Yes Hisao?”

“The EFF”

“My room was scorched, so I'm spending the night here”

“Why?”

“Why not?”

“Screw it, I don't care. If my erection sneaks up on you in the middle of the night, you can't complain to me”

“Glad you're OK, Hisao”

“Shut up and go to bed”

“Again with the condescending orders”

You hit Rin lightly with a pillow.

“Heard you, good night, Hisao”

“Night Rin, I'll rape you in your sleep”

“Wouldn't recommend it, I'm on my period”

“Just don't bleed in my bed”

Rin clicks the light switch with her toes.

“Hey Hisao”

“Yeah…”

“Thanks”

“Shut up, you moron”

“If I was a moron, I'd cease to understand that order”

You vulcan nerve pinch yourself.

Sweet Dreams.


bromont/the_bropire_strikes_back.txt · Last modified: 2014/05/12 19:51 (external edit)