Katawa Shoujo: The Brotastic Chronicles

Ugh, the sun peeps through your window… Mondays, you freaking hate Mondays.

Another boring morning full of lectures and the teacher asking yet again why you came to class in your bunny shoes. They're comfortable, goddamn it.

You get up half asleep, cursing the light of day as if it were a vampire that pet your wife, bit your cat, and sodomized your hair dryer.

You don't care if that didn't make sense, Mondays are low tier.

Suddenly, a knock on your door snaps you out of it.

“Hisao, it's Emi! Great news, open the door!”

You ponder letting her in for a couple seconds, they ARE showing a marathon of House on USA… You'll watch it after you see what Semi-Emi wants.

“Yeah…?”, you say in a drowsy tone.

“I'm pregnant!”


“And YOU'RE the father.”

“W-W-WHAT!?”, you say as you spit out your morning Kool-Aid, “THAT'S IMPOSSIBLE! WE DIDN'T HAVE SEX.”

“You're right, I'm like the Virgin Mary, and you're like Jesus, and this child is the son of God!”


“I know, I just messing with you”

“You dicknose.”

“Sorry, I had to wake you up, a girl's gotta have some technique to her, right?”

“Girl? I wasn't aware Cyborgs had genders”


“Was that all you wanted to say, Robocop?”

“Well no, class is canceled for the entire week.”

“Emi, that's not just great news, that has got to be the greatest news I've ever heard in my life, not counting the time I learned women can have sex with other women.”

“It was canceled due to AIDS”

“AIDS? No joke?”

“I'm serious, one of our classmates is a bleeder, and he contracted the disease from one of the African transfer students, he was in the room and suddenly had a breakdown, long story short, we can't go in until it's been cleaned and sterilized… every class is out for some reason.”


“By the way, Hisao”


“BOOOOOOIIIIINNNNNGGGGG”, she exclaims as she points down at you.


“Is that a pterodactyl in your pants or are you just happy to see me?”

Realizing Emi's analogy's leave much to be desired, you slowly look down… Ah, the morning wood. The only good thing to come out of any mans morning, Morning wood was established in 1492 when Columbus sailed the Ocean Blu-

“AH!”, you scream like a bitch as you cover yourself.

“I guess I'll be waiting for you… outside?”

“Outside would be good”, you say to Emi as you close the door.

Well, today's off to a good start.

What to do…?

() Dress up as a ninja and mess with Emi.

() Watch House, MD.

() Moonwalk your way to the Tea Room.

() Go Brofist your Bro Kenji.

() Go Brofoot your Bro Rin.

() Play Dawn of War 40k with Misha and Shizune.

You jump on your bed and begin masturbating furiously… well that's a lie, you're actually trying to find the remote under the stashes of porn you have scattered around your room.

You find it next to a newspaper… which says on the headlines “Guitar Contest, whoever can rock the hardest wins a bazillion dollars and twenty minutes behind the dumpster out back with Russian supermodels”

Rocking out? You realize how good you are with the guitar that you never actually touched, and you realize just how easy it would be for you to win this challenge…

But House is on, and not even four boobie'd space aliens would keep you from the greatest show ever made ever.

“Haha, oh House, it's never Lupus… is it?”, you say as you chuckle softly.

“Hisao? Is your boner gone yet? We got lots of work to do!”

Oh no.


You're greatest enemy, come to pry you away from your beloved House. Luckily, you just played Resident Evil 4 and you know precisely what to do in these situations.

As you open the window, Emi opens the door and walks in. You really need to start locking it.

“Hisao, what are you-”


You jump out of the window and roll on the ground as you land. Holy shit, that was awesome.

Would've been even better if you hadn't knocked a nest of bird eggs out of the nereby tree you scraped against. Oh well, birds are smug bastards.

“HA! YOU are small-time Emi-”

As you finish the sentence, you have a heart attack and die. The end.

No wait, that's just bad gas.

The entire point of you escaping from Emi's grasp was to watch House, and yet you are now outside watching the side of a house. Irony.

Choose your destiny

() Charge back in and reclaim the sofa in the living room, FOR HOUSE!

() Check and see if you can watch Television in the room with a blind person.

() Find Kenji's room and see if his TV doesn't have a beer bottle through it.

() Check up on Rin, you haven't heard from her since yesterday's rap battle.

() Do the monkey

Hold up, you just did something awesome. And with everything awesome that you do, comes a victory dance.

So you begin doing “The Monkey” right on the spot.

You lose track of time as you continue flapping your arms up and down like a dumbass.

Pretty soon the other students walking by begin to stare… A few of them start joining in surprisingly.

In fact, a lot of them start joining in… Wait.. Is that Misha? There's Shizune as well. But this feels awkward…

There's no music so everyone's really off rhythm, you still have to question why everyone's taking a interest in this.

“Hey Emi! You still up there?”, you yell at your window where Emi's staring in disbelief.

“Sorry! Your Princess is in another Castle!”, Emi replies in a sarcastic tone.

“Look, I'm sorry, but would you turn on my stereo and play whatever's in?”

“Sure Hisao, lets get everyone's blood pumping!”

Emi retreats back into your room, you hope she doesn't find your fleshlight… She comes back out with the stereo and turns it on full blast.

You don't care what you had in there last, you're ready to Monkey yourself into a coma, which seems likely somehow. So you begin swinging your arms up and down in full blast…

…Until you realize it's the Backstreet Boys.


“You said play whatever was in the stereo, YOU HEARD IT HEAR FIRST FOLKS, HISAO IS TOTALLY GAY”

Quickly realizing Emi switched the tapes and more than likely the rest of the school year looks pretty much screwed, you kick reason to the curve and begin Monkeying to “Bye Bye Bye”.

…And so does everyone else?

You spot Lilly trying her best to do the dance with Hanako giving her instructions. Shizune and Misha have formed some Goro-like creature and are doing some sort of double monkey thing.

Everyone seems to be having a good time, wow, what the hell just happened.

But you're into it, like possessed by some evil chimp. This is pretty damn fun for some reason.

“Hahaha”, you start laughing out loud followed by a big cheer.

It looks like your awesome moment… has turned into a astronomic one.

Well, until Rin showed up and everyone stopped.

() Attempt to do the Monkey with Rin.

() Chase down Emi, she's gone too far.

() Accompany Lilly and Hanako back to the Tea room.

() Where's Kenji? Go check and see.

() The hell does any of this have to do with House?

Rin stares at everyone, puzzled. But not in that “what's going on” kind of puzzled. It's like that “Good God, I'm tripping balls” kind of puzzled.

You walk over behind Rin and pull her towards you, you whisper instructions in her ear, which she gets surprisingly well.

“You ready, Rin?”



“Yeah, OK, now's good”

You place your arms down Rin's shoulders, so she could move them like they were her own, well, more like direct them.

The two of you begin doing “The Monkey”, and everyone else started joining in yet again.

It lasted quite a long time, until everyone got bored and went back into their rooms to masturbate.

Thinking of that girl with a stump for a hand schlicking fills you with laughter. Damn, you're a horrible person.

Wait. Where's Rin? She was just here not five seconds ago, unless you lost track of time.

You go to look for her, starting at the front of the school. You begin walking around until you hear something you really shouldn't have. You look up.

A car flies over your head and lands a couple feet away from you.


“Hey Hisao, how was you day?”

“Goo- I- Rin, what are you doing in a convertible?”

“What do you usually do in cars?”


“Then, that.”

“Who's vehicle is that?”


”… You're serious?”

“I think so, I could be wrong”

“Put the car back and apologize to the owner”

“Or we could test drive this car across the countryside and test it's durability”

“Or you could put the car back”

“Come on Hisao, don't think anyone will ever know. And besides, would they believe you if you said I hotwired a car at Denny's and did donuts over at the Walmart parking lot?”


“There's a mini TV in here, it gets satellite.”

Oh. God. You could watch House and smash mail boxes with your mighty erection at the same time! What to do..

() DO IT



() Go home and be a family man.

You jump in and take the pair of shades Rin hands you with her foot.

“This shit just got real”

“Was it ever fake?”

“Good question, but I don't feel like debating you while we aren't in motion.”

“Good point Hisao, lets move out”

Rin digs her teeth into the wheel and thrusts her foot into the peddle.

You start moving, and you suddenly feel the need to touch Rin's breasts.

Why? You don't need a reason.

“AH! Hisao? Cut that out.”


“Stop it, you're making me laugh, I can't stay the course if I-”

The moment she stops her sentence, you crash into the side of the school.

…The far side? No… it couldn't be. There's no way God loves you this much.

“EEK!”, a naked wet girl shouts.

“Oh hey, this is the girl's showering room”

“Yes. I know.”, you exclaim as your pants tighten.

You climb into the back and turn on the TV, House and scared, wet, naked ladies running around in a panic.

“Oh, is that the one where House figures out it's not Lupus?”, Rin asks.

“No, this is the one where House discovers the secret to eternal life, and then sword fights Master Chief from Halo”

“I think I've seen that one before”

“Well, there was a marathon a couple weeks back”

The car suddenly starts fuming.

“We should get out, probably”

“Think we could put out the flames with our urine?”

“Lets not find out”

You grab Rin and jump over the back of the vehicle and start running toward the back.

The car explodes, causing you to jump in midair very dramatically.

The two of you land on the ground.



“You're my hero”, Rin says as she smiles.

That made you feel all warm inside… No wait, that's the second degree burns-


You black out, falling unconscious to the ground, with Rin by your side.


bromont/the_brotastic_chronicles.txt · Last modified: 2014/05/12 19:51 (external edit)